


Loving You

by mxtt216



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Complete, F/F, M/M, One Stone, Oneshot, Red Side of the Moon, Unrequited Love, angst based off of Red Side of the Moon, drug/alcohol mention, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 08:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxtt216/pseuds/mxtt216
Summary: "This was safer, loving her from the distance like this. That meant that things couldn’t go wrong, that they wouldn’t fall apart or end. Any pain that was felt was hers to carry and she had finally decided that was what had to happen."Angst oneshot surrounding Katya and her feelings of unrequited love based off of Red Side of the Moon.





	Loving You

The heavy rain outside her apartment windows captured the atmosphere and turmoil within Katya perfectly, in a pathetic fallacy only she was aware of as she curled into her couch a little more that night.  
It’d been a long day- although they all felt unbearably long recently – but today, was on another level. Time had blurred together but still managed to drag out and yet everything was still stagnant. The brutal nausea was still brewing inside her and was only getting increasingly bad, but worse than that so was the dull ache in her chest, accompanied by the tears lingering behind her eyes.

Everything had felt like it’d dissolved for her. She’d tried so hard lately to hold on to the shreds of happiness she had in her life, but she couldn’t because every single one stemmed from the same source – Trixie Mattel, and there was only so long she could keep that up.  
She had been in love, and if she was honest with herself she’d known that for years now but she had admitted it to herself for the first time around about a year ago. Katya would find her eyes lingering on Trixie for just a little too long, or she’d feel her heart leap into her throat at the most innocent touches between them both. It was more than friendly- or so she had thought at least.

Katya would’ve accepted any slight resemblance of romantic development at this point between the pair, as desperate as she was sure that sounded but it was true. She didn’t need to hear Trixie say she loved her too, she didn’t need to settle down together forever- she wanted those things but didn’t _need_ them. Any romantic advances Trixie was willing to offer her would’ve been enough, even if it was one night together that they agreed never to speak of again, but that was never an option.

Nobody knew her in the ways Trixie did, she’d shared so many secrets and private moments with the other queen, and she was positive they could finish each other’s sentences.  
So how could Trixie miss this? How couldn’t she see that Katya was nothing short of besotted with her?

She’d wanted to scream it out and she’d even imagined how that situation would play out, especially lately as her frustration and unhappiness surrounding all of these feelings had grown more and more. Countless nights she’d picked up the phone and made a move to call her but just as she did, her reasoning, and anxiety, took over and she backed out.  
This was safer, loving her from the distance like this. That meant that things couldn’t go wrong, that they wouldn’t fall apart or end. Any pain that was felt was hers to carry and she had finally decided that was what had to happen.

Sighing deeply, Katya thought back over the past few of years. All the work they had done together after Drag Race with UNHhhh and the tours. How every joke the Milwaukee queen had told had made her heart feel impossibly lighter and the happiness bubble up inside her- which she noted was unusual for _her_.

In particular she recalled one night on the road when they’d performed together, Trixie was joking and singing with ease right beside her and all she could do was stand there caught up in everything that was her, with a huge smile on her face and let love she was feeling wash straight over her.

She couldn’t imagine doing that again, standing to the side, _knowing_ that this love was only something she harboured, so she decided against touring with Trixie again- even a couple of shows here and there felt like too much.  
In fact she chose in that moment back a month or so ago, to completely distance herself from Trixie. It’d torn her up, and almost set her back quite a bit in her recovery when she considered blocking all of this out with bottle after bottle of vodka, or lines of cocaine. She’d managed to contain herself, thankfully she reckoned, but she couldn’t see that advantage right now. She knew she’d give anything for one night without thinking of her, without clinging onto hopes of ‘someday’ and Trixie turning up at her door like in those romantic comedies and kissing her senseless. Because really she knew that all of those scenarios were pipe dreams, she was patiently waiting for something that she was ninety nine percent sure would never happen. In her own mind though, and more importantly in her heart, she clung to that other one percent like it’d keep her sane. There was always that fire of hope hanging around, and maybe that was her downfall.

Realising she was supposed to be forgetting Trixie, not torturing herself like this she let out a pained groan. This wasn’t even remotely fair.

Knowing she was already too far gone, and nothing was going to shift her thoughts away from Trixie for tonight at least she reached across, grabbed her phone and hit play on her music library, knowing exactly what was coming as she did.  
All she could do was listen, she assumed for hours, as some of her now favourite songs played out loud into the darkened room. They all held sentimental value to her now, they all brought her back to different memories of Trixie, and she sadly sung along to every one.

She had spent the best nights of her life with Trixie Mattel, no matter what they had been doing together- touring, clubbing, even their quiet nights in, it was undeniable that she had never taken such enjoyment from anyone else’s company. Nobody could make her even a fraction as happy as she had felt back then.

And she was sure, that if she had a legitimate chance, she’d drop everything in her life right now- drop her pride, and run to Trixie just to get a taste of that happiness again.

But there was nothing, and she was here all alone imagining that there was, and she knew for the foreseeable future that was how things would have to stay.


End file.
